Rewrite the Rules 07/06/2010
Eli and I moved into an adorable apartment in Berkeley a few weeks ago. As we moved our boxes, we made comments about how excited we were and how shocked that this was really happening. As we unpacked, we went back and forth between exclaiming how wonderful our place was and acknowledging our growing anxiety about sharing a space and being more committed to each other. We woke up on July 4th, made a beautiful breakfast, cleaned the apartment top to down, and got into our bed to write about our desires for our coaching program homework. We finally felt settled and sure enough, it was time to have another completely honest and terrifying conversation about the state of our relationship. I don’t know what he asked me but it was as if a huge weight was lifted from my body and I could finally cry, and crumble, and openly question everything we were doing. It was something like, is this what we want? It was painful to admit that I wanted more than banana buckwheat pancakes on Sunday mornings and a cozy home. How could I be so ungrateful and selfish? How could I feel stuck with this amazing person in this incredible relationship? I voiced all the places I had held back and the places I wanted to go. With all the tears, my body became more relaxed and I saw him again, my partner in crime, my best friend just listening to me and watching me grow. I wanted him to say “it’s going to be okay” or “I don’t want to be with anyone else baby” but he didn’t. He was still. When I was in Oregon a few weeks ago, I listened to Ram Dass talks on relationship. He spoke about the way we easily go unconscious in our roles. I remember texting Eli an idea I had for us to try a week of not being in the roles of girlfriend and boyfriend. He texted me that he didn’t really understand my idea and I quickly let it go, knowing it was too much for texting. Now, the idea sprung up naturally and it was time. We decided to try a week of being roommates, nothing more. We would live together, touch and talk and hang out when we wanted to, but we weren’t obligated to check in, to come home, to be a “good” girlfriend or boyfriend. A simple plan but not an easy one for my brain to totally understand. We were looking at each other from opposite corners of our new king-sized bed. He knew and I knew that we were jumping into the unknown. There was sadness about leaving behind our comfortable roles and fear about not making it out to the other side but both emotions didn’t overpower me to the point of needing to run, like in the past. We had been here before, on the verge of breaking up or growing up, and today we were making a new choice and writing new rules and it actually felt good. Suddenly, the bed seemed enormous. I crawled over to his side and put my head on his chest. He looked at me and said you’re still my girlfriend and then he played that cheesy song “Forever” by Chris Brown and he started to cry. We knew we were being ridiculous and we let ourselves feel it anyway. He cried until he didn’t have anymore to cry about and then he grew quiet. I felt that moment when I had to go the rest of the way by myself so I went for a walk. I passed by a block party with kids splashing in the kiddie pool and couples laughing around a grill. Here I was, in my pajamas still, mascara dripping down my face, hair all over the place, having just moved into an apartment that we might not want because we might want to break up because we might want to have sex with other people and we might not be able to do it while together. Awesome! Happy 4th of July new neighbors! I walked another block hating those people and hating the universe for making my life so unfair and so HARD. I cried a bit more and then realized that I chose this path of being in an honest relationship and I knew it was going to be hard. I turned back, excited to shower and move into the next moment. I got out of the shower and started getting ready for the party we were going to. I noticed me trying to look cute for him again. The Joni Mitchell line “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone” played through my brain. Before we went to the party, we decided to have an orgasmic meditation, a practice where you agree to feel the sensation in your body for fifteen minutes. After ten minutes of meditation, there was a point where I felt my whole body relax and I heard that internal voice that said, oh, we’re okay and just as I was about to speak it, Eli exhaled and relaxed and at the same time, we said in our own language, oh, we’ve got this. I am two days into my roommate research and it has become clear that this is not about moving apart but it is about moving closer together, out of desires not shoulds, out of friendship not romance. It is about changing the rules of our relationship as we go so that we can keep to our agreement that we want a relationship based on waking up, not on being nice. I want to go on joint Target shopping trips and make him breakfast in bed because I WANT to, because there is pleasure in it, not because I am trying to prove to him or anyone else that I have a great relationship and that I love him. As I put the final touches on my homework, I see one desire clearly, one that I have felt for so long and never knew I could have. I want to be in a relationship with a man who settles for nothing less than the turned on woman that I know I am. That’s Eli. That’s our relationship below the research projects, the drama, the labels, the expectations, the goals, the fears, the sex, the coaching exercises, the outings, the meals, the words. It’s not perfect, it’s sometimes exhausting and uncomfortable, and it isn’t always easy but we stay connected and from there we end up finding our way. With love, LC CommentsAndra Aquino 07/09/2010 11:00:44 pm Sometimes I feel a little out of touch with life and that I'm just going in a routine circle. Thank you for putting life into perspective and sharing your raw emotion. I've been reading this daily quote book off and on and one quote seems to connect with your piece, "You think, and your thoughts materialize as experience, and thus it is, all unknown to yourself as a rule, that you are actually weaving the pattern of your own destiny, here and now, by the way which you allow yourself to think, day by day and all day long." Emmet Fox. sasha 07/20/2010 10:30:41 pm So Hot Linds, you sure are beautiful! Thank god the turned on women's movement has you. Sasha 2 05/16/2011 4:34:25 pm Hi Lindsay, This is beautifully written, I love it. Leave a Reply |
