A New Kind of Game 04/15/2010
A few weeks ago, I was invited to participate in an evening of the Mindful Man series (http://www.onetaste.us/classes_evening.php). I was in the back room waiting for the course to start. One of the facilitators told us that tonight, us ladies would have an opportunity to reveal one of our games to the participants. I started to sweat. The voices started to go off in my head. Games? I don’t really do that. Isn’t that manipulative? My feet were getting hot. The course began. I strutted out in my cowboy boots and jeans and looked at the eight or so men, equally nervous but not hiding it nearly as well as we women were. As soon as I sat in the chair, one of my “games” reluctantly came to mind. I told them about how I pretend I am interested in them for much longer than I am actually interested. I’ll let them talk with the expectation that they will ask me about my life and then sometimes when they do, I avoid their question. (This is the part in the story where I want to reassure you that I am a wonderful person but instead, I’ll continue.) The men looked at me with both loathsome and fascinated eyes as I spoke. I thought it would feel horrible to admit I played games but instead, I felt seen by the others in the room. I felt free. The other women shared their games and I couldn’t help but nod and mmm hmm to each game revealed. Not only do we all play games, but we play the same games. An unexpected camaraderie between the men and women formed over the course of the evening. As I left, I noticed how bright one man’s eyes were. They were watery blue and wider than before. A week later, I was at the beach with Eli and my parents. We were eating breakfast and I told them about my experience in this course. My parents said that they never played games. They knew from the moment they met that they were meant to be together. My mom said it was an instant easy connection. My dad said he never really understood women but that he loved my mom. One source of my deeply rooted faith in fairytale romance became more clear. Eli shot me a knowing look and we decided to inquire further. I asked my mom about earlier that day when she had told my dad it would be fine if he played golf and then later gave him a hard time for playing golf all day. She quickly saw where this discussion was going. I have a deep admiration for my parent’s marriage and I didn’t want that sentiment to be lost as this conversation was starting to heat up. I said “Mom, we all play games. It is not a bad thing, it is a human nature thing and it can even be fun.” She relaxed a bit. My dad still seemed a bit confused. We think our secrets, our feelings, our desires are all so unique. We think they are weird and they will most definitely be misunderstood so we hide them, often with well-crafted games. As I grew up, I learned the game of lying to make people happy. I also learned how to ask questions to avoid talking about myself. Both games allowed me time to become comfortable with people (and to ensure they liked me enough) before being honest and vulnerable. This can be great sometimes. It keeps me safe. I don’t need to tell each person at the dinner party that I am feeling really emotional, or that I would rather be having sex with my boyfriend or painting my toes than at this party, or that I spaced out while they were talking about their trip. So, I play games here and there and and people work their games on me and everyone is happy. There is nothing wrong with that AND what would happen if once or even twice in our lifetime we dropped the games and said what was there? What if we learned new games that revealed ourselves more and hid ourselves less? I went on an okcupid (.com type deal) date last week and decided on the drive over that I was going to be completely honest. He answered the door. I noticed he cut his hair and I told him that I liked it. I didn’t like it. I liked it the week before when it was longer. Strike one. Good thing I had an entire night to practice my new game. We went to a bar for a glass of wine. He asked me a couple questions about my boyfriend. I answered honestly and directly. I told him that I loved my boyfriend and that I might marry him one day and that my boyfriend knew I was on this date. My date’s face flushed. I felt hot. On the walk home, I asked him about STDs because I figured there is never a better time than now to have that talk. We spoke honestly and acknowledged how refreshing it was to talk about STDs fully clothed. With this new awareness on my games and our mutual willingness to be honest, the date that was destined to be boring (that is my judgement of online dating websites) was fun. I could feel when it was time to risk revealing myself - usually because I was starting to space out or feel irritated. In those moments, I remembered that I had nothing of importance to lose and intimacy with myself and the moment to gain. Sometimes the words came out beautifully, sometimes clunky but each time, I felt like he was actually on a date with me, not the Lindsay that I sometimes try to be with new people. There are times to play bigger and times to play smaller and I’m not saying that one is better than the other. I’m saying, why not try playing differently? Try giving the guy you don’t really think is cute enough a chance to know you for five minutes, try expressing a desire instead of silencing it, try telling your spouse how you feel in the moment -experiment, play, notice. This is my continual work, knowing all sides of myself and bringing them out to catch the fresh daylight, and the more players the more fun. Game on. ****** Experiences you want to share? Feedback on this blog post? Grammatical errors? Open up this conversation. Email me anytime with feelings, notes, thoughts: lindsay@openheartcoaching.com CommentsAndra Aquino 04/18/2010 9:24pm
I love this! I could picture everything that you were saying in my head. It seems like games are apart of our every day life, and it's very true that we will play them unknowingly. Our lives are sensored so that we can all get along, because really no two people are exactly the same. I'm the type that likes to agree with a person just to prevent confrontation, but then later regret not giving my own opinion. There are some people that can't handle the truth because it can be hurtful. I'm trying to become more aware of my games, so that they can be corrected, and my relationships can grow stronger and healthier. Thank you!!!! 02/08/2011 7:20pm
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